In all seriousness it's some kind of botine loach. I don't know enough about them to narrow down a species. Figuring out where it was collected will greatly help in the ID, tho. If I had to guess at care, I'd say basic loach care: sandy bottom, 6+ in a group, and feed omnivore foods.
Izzy it is a nice fish for sure! Though I don't want it and that's the only one they have. They got it in by mistake sooo have no clue what to order to get a group in for a customer or for their tanks.
I've never kept this fish, so I'm just going by photos, but loaches.com and other souces show that the patterns do appear to be variable amongst individuals, that site also shows other species within the genus that are similar, but I think they are less common than the zipper
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