It's Past Midnight
It's midnight here in the US and I can't sleep. I can hear my filters humming and my little dog snoring beside me. Peaceful I suppose.
My family and most of my friends don't understands why I enjoy keeping fish. I get teased for how stupid it is. I'm in my late 20s which makes it almost ironic! So why did I fall in love with fishkeeping so hard and so fast? Maybe it was seeing a little fish in a cup that reminded me of myself. Alone and mistreated. Since I can't save myself, I wanted to save him. My dad says how Gus isn't worth it, but then again, my dad says a lot of things. Most of which I can't repeat. And I pet my dog and stare at Gus as he yells or is just generally in a bad mood from a hangover or something and daydream of a day when fishkeeping can quit being my escape from a place I really don't want to be. :cry:
TMI, I know. Sorry for the silly rant :oops:
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it's not a silly rant at all !
i think you have your pets as your escape,and you look after them
as you yourself would want and should be looked after.
i found most of my family didn't understand my love for fish,
or the other many critters i have owned over the years,they just don't get it !
i'm lucky in the way i can please myself nowa days as i'm 46 this year,and
although my O/H raises an eyebrow when i'm on a ' i want ' he's gone along,
he wants a salt water tank this year,so i'm trying to get my head around that,
as i've always been a fresh water gal all my life,a new challenge for a new year.
well i'm waffling as usual,but i'm here if you want to chat,it's only 8.30 pm here
in England,so i'm not going to bed just yet. ;-)
Thank you for the lovely post. Sometimes, I just need to vent about it all. I usually hid it, but some days are worse than others. He has never hit me and has always treated me better than my abusive biomom, but I want more than that. I want a place I can feel safe and happy.
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it will happen,i truly Believe one day you'll find what you are looking for,
unfortunately it's time,and that's not easy.
you're very welcome to send me a message if you don't want to post on the main forum.
i think it's good for the soul not to keep it in,wether you wright it all down,hide the book,or speak to someone,you have enough on your shoulders without
keeping thoughts and feelings inside too.
My names charlie and came froma very similar history ... I am fortunatly 32 yrs young now and have been on my own since 16 yrs old as a result of family matters . After my parents divorce and being passed around my family untill finally landing back with my mother and her new boyfriend , I being an only child found myself alone in my own little world often looking for a place to go literaly and / or figuratively ..
Pets were out of the question with my folks due to that would have required them to put effort into something other than theirselves but I eventually got them to get me a tank .! I will never forget that ...the feeling .. the peace , the escape it gave me .
I had black mollys and tiger barbs later on . I was so fussy over my fish lol reading everything I could monitoring them for anything . Very overprotective . At night laying in bed sleep evading me as usual I would watch them in the glow of the light on the powerline pole outside my window and listen to the water flow .... It saved me . I had a place to go , some one to talk to when step dad had a bad day and a heavy hand or mom didnt have time in her schedule for my little problems , my fish always had a willing ear for me for however long I wanted to talk . Live baerers , molly , guppy were the ones I kept and noticed these fish were like dogs lol they would actually interact with me come to my finger when in the tank , take food from my hand . They gave me something to look to when needed , And I still have that first 20 gal tank to , now its a home to a betta i saved from wal-mart provideing him with a safe place as it did me all those yrs ago...
I'm sory for the long reply , I just wanted you to know your not the alone...our fish save us from the bad in our worlds just as we save them from the prisons they were in before we found them and gave them a home . Its a partnership between us and our fish we keep each others love in our own little glass boxes ....
Anytime you wanna talk or need to without fear of judgment or opinions just send me a message , Im on here everyday usually after midnight as I work night shift and get home about 1;30 in the mornin .
God bless , and stay strong it will get better and one day it will all be nothing more than a memory of a time forgotten by choice to make way for memories of happier times .
wow charlie, you bought a lump to my throat.
god bless you.
I have a friend who cares. He didn't know what was going until just the other day. I've been spending as much time with him as I can get away with. I think he is turning into something more. He is my safe place. I know that makes no sense, but it's true.
I haven't felt safe since I was a little girl living with my mammaw. She was my safe place before everything just went so wrong. She is still alive in a retirement home. Stroke. I see her every chance I can.
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Hey agin Blue & Willow , my over the pond friend , ( hows your broomating goin );-)
God bless y'all ,
Blue darlin "we" are so very much not alone in this feeling we both share . I think its what draws a large number of people to the hobby in the first place wether they realize it or not at first . Its a world we can control and admire the peace with in ... at times when our worlds seem to be falling apart around us we can always go to our little glass box and relax , get los if you will in the peacefullness of it all . The sound of the water from the filter falling down so steady and gentle to the grace of the fish swimming inside without care or worry of what the rest of the world may hold . Its that peace that we crave that people like us want so badly ...the freedom to just be , to just live without screaming without hitting without judgment or denial with out all the things we have to deal with in our lives just to get to the point in them where we realize its just not gonna change its the way it is or the way "they" are ..those we love ..who we hope love us are suppose to love us ...to find ourselves wondering if its us ? are we doing something wrong ? is their something wrong with me that makes them feel or do this to me ? The answer to that is no its not you or me ..its just tha way they are , the luck of the draw or the way the cards of detiny fell for us ..
Inside our little glass houses all those thoughts and emotions all the bad goes away ...even if it is for just a few moments its enough to help us to hold on for another day in hopes of a better tommorow ,. That better brighter tommarow will come blue I am proof of it . It will come to you as well i swear although I cant say when or how , only time and god know the answer to that .
Everytime I read your posts it reminds me of what was ...so long ago it seems like a dream or a nightmare almost forgoten but still there in the back of my mind and my haert .
A time I have tried so hard to block out but will never forget as I have never forgoten that tank that sites on my table in the den ...I need that tank more than any other I have though as its my reminder that there is a safe place a better tommarow to come , it reminds me to be strong to love myself even if noone else seems to ..I know in their someone does ...some little someone in that glass house loves and needs me more than anything else in this world ..that little glass house that holds my memories my reasons my peace ..that little glass house that holds my fish , my friend ..
Im sory I have rambled on agin lol forgive me it just feels good to talk sometimes about those things you never really talk about , to let it come back for a moment ...only to put it back in the past and realize the present and dream of the future ...
Dont forget to feed your fish ;-)
God bless Blue , take care darlin
Just lay back close your eyes and listen to the water....let that sound wash over you as you lay there awake let it wash away all the bad all the worry .
And remember something about the current in the water..while its taking somethings further away ..its also bringing somethings (or someone) closer to you ..;-)
[quote=charlie1881;1391359][i]Hey agin Blue & Willow , my over the pond friend , ( hows your broomating goin );-)
hey charlie :-D
brumation for bert is not happening this year,he feels the need to be up and
about,and eating like a horse ! his 5th birthday this month !
let me say another beautiful post from you,thank you for sharing insights to
your life,there are things from my past i can empathise with you both.
the need to care for something/someone else is often an overwhelming thing,
almost like trying to put things right(for me anyway) for a change i was/am
in control of something,the escapism is much needed.
things that happen shape the people we are today,and will be in the future.
i'm am blessed to have friends with the same love as me,for it has shown me
other worlds,not only the glass box ,but my far away friends,that are sometimes
not very far away at all.
Hey Willow ,
I read Blues post and was set back , I felt just like she did I thought I was weird or something was wrong with me for years when I was younger . As I grew older I realized more and more that I wasnt alone in the world , but that said I still find myself alone at night or at work thinking to myself " Am I diffrent ? Whats wrong with me that I feel the way I do ? " It just seems at times as though I think or feel so diffrently than everyone else about everything . The world has become such a cold hard place for us all . A place were rash and cruelness seems the norm..
I dont understand it all , perhaps never will as I have all but gave up on trying to understand or fit in . I prefer to live in my own little world , my days spent trying to avoide the cold hard hand of reality looking forward to getting home to my escape into my glass world .
I think that the more emotions you go without seeing in your life the more you look for those emotions in others as we grow up . We cherish these feelings and as such have more rewarding relationships than some longer lasting ones more fullfilling ones .
My wife tells me how wonderfull I am all the time over this or that how I dont need to do this or that but she doesnt understand . I feel a need to .. I have got to emphasize to her how much she means to me in everyway . I know what it feels like to see love and not be able to feel it ...to know what love is but not be able to have it .. I will not for one second of one day subject my family to those emotions those thoughts . I am an over protective , smoothering , codelling father and a mushy , hopeless romantic husband . I cant tell you how many times a day I stop nd stair into my wifes eyes and describe the way she makes me feel inside . Tell her how much I love her and cherish her mere ezxistance ...It wasnt untill her that I was sure I was okay ..It wasnt untill I met her that I knew I felt love ...
For a person with my past where your not sure if youve ever been loved before, when you know you are theirs nothing like it in this world ..you dont take it for granted like the majority of the world.
I think thats what is really the problem with the world people take everything for granted ...love ...life...freedom..freindships..things given to then in such an abundance as children that they have no idea theres people who have never experianced them or the value of these simple gifts .
Well As I can see I have started another chapter lol Im sorry for rambleing , I havent written this much since I came to this site :-P it does feel good to talk though a chance to release with friends to friends .
God bless y'all and take care
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