Tropical Fish Keeping - Aquarium fish care and resources

Tropical Fish Keeping - Aquarium fish care and resources (http://www.tropicalfishkeeping.com/)
-   Off Topic Discussions (http://www.tropicalfishkeeping.com/off-topic-discussions/)
-   -   Feedback on writing sample (http://www.tropicalfishkeeping.com/off-topic-discussions/feedback-writing-sample-119767/)

downerbeautiful 11-14-2012 03:29 PM

Feedback on writing sample
 
Alright, I swear I'm not being juvenile here, and also I'm no longer some high school student. For what it's worth, I am an English major, and I'm in a poetic forms class. Now, I know no one on these forums really knows me, and so this is totally out of the blue, but could I get some feedback from a community who knows about fish?

For one of my draft assignments, I wrote the poem that will follow. My workshop group said, "This makes no sense to me; I have no idea what you wrote about." This is valid, but does it make no sense because none of them have any experience with aquariums, or does it fail to communicate something because the writing itself is obtuse? Could I have some honest feedback, please? I'm not looking for praise, and I'm not some melancholy emo or gothic kid; I am an emotionally stable and healthy young adult who does not trust her peers. That being said, could you even tell me what, on the surface, this poem could be about, pretty please? I appreciate any help and honest feedback you could give here.

Surface Tension

Buoyant on the currents that brush around leggy spines, failed
cuttings of weedy wisteria, java fern, and the omnipresent blooms:
curtains of brown, black, and green. The blossoms riding circuits,
stifling growth potential, coaxed out through deficient nutrition,
erupting when conditions vital for proliferation go missing.

Rather this dank, slimy cover clings to leaves in a slow creep,
each new facet unfurls succumbing, the local parasite clambering toward
new surface areas upon which to lay to rest. Every spring hope
from verdant tips, bushels of infant roots, by unwarranted nuisances

raped, dressed in dower sorrow every sprout its own dirge caught
swept up, cyclic tide, recirculation the same sickening pollen, a disease
quarantined, its own microcosm, blanketing the airy aspirations of lacy
wisteria, curling around the ferns' running tendrils. Unchecked suffocation
drowning species in their own biomes, byproducts, festering algae

spreading the virus that slopes the shoulders, stunts persistent ascending strides
only to breech, rotting compost, and find the flat universe unexpectedly curving,
bouncing back. Sloshing around, concentric circles, great tidal waves roar, crushing
back down and uprooting meek plantings, adding them into the interminable belch.

GwenInNM 11-15-2012 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by downerbeautiful (Post 1310554)
Alright, I swear I'm not being juvenile here, and also I'm no longer some high school student. For what it's worth, I am an English major, and I'm in a poetic forms class. Now, I know no one on these forums really knows me, and so this is totally out of the blue, but could I get some feedback from a community who knows about fish?

For one of my draft assignments, I wrote the poem that will follow. My workshop group said, "This makes no sense to me; I have no idea what you wrote about." This is valid, but does it make no sense because none of them have any experience with aquariums, or does it fail to communicate something because the writing itself is obtuse? Could I have some honest feedback, please? I'm not looking for praise, and I'm not some melancholy emo or gothic kid; I am an emotionally stable and healthy young adult who does not trust her peers. That being said, could you even tell me what, on the surface, this poem could be about, pretty please? I appreciate any help and honest feedback you could give here.

Surface Tension

Buoyant on the currents that brush around leggy spines, failed
cuttings of weedy wisteria, java fern, and the omnipresent blooms:
curtains of brown, black, and green. The blossoms riding circuits,
stifling growth potential, coaxed out through deficient nutrition,
erupting when conditions vital for proliferation go missing.

Rather this dank, slimy cover clings to leaves in a slow creep,
each new facet unfurls succumbing, the local parasite clambering toward
new surface areas upon which to lay to rest. Every spring hope
from verdant tips, bushels of infant roots, by unwarranted nuisances

raped, dressed in dower sorrow every sprout its own dirge caught
swept up, cyclic tide, recirculation the same sickening pollen, a disease
quarantined, its own microcosm, blanketing the airy aspirations of lacy
wisteria, curling around the ferns' running tendrils. Unchecked suffocation
drowning species in their own biomes, byproducts, festering algae

spreading the virus that slopes the shoulders, stunts persistent ascending strides
only to breech, rotting compost, and find the flat universe unexpectedly curving,
bouncing back. Sloshing around, concentric circles, great tidal waves roar, crushing
back down and uprooting meek plantings, adding them into the interminable belch.

I hate to say it, but your writing friends are right :-D It's filled with big words, but no substance and no meaning. Wisteria is a freshwater plant and then you refer to waves. But on many levels, it needs lots of work. I have a very bright 13 year old daughter who is an amazing writer. I'll have her look at it later tonight, and see what she can add to help you.

Gwen

GwenInNM 11-15-2012 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GwenInNM (Post 1311899)
I hate to say it, but your writing friends are right :-D It's filled with big words, but no substance and no meaning. Wisteria is a freshwater plant and then you refer to waves. But on many levels, it needs lots of work. I have a very bright 13 year old daughter who is an amazing writer. I'll have her look at it later tonight, and see what she can add to help you.

Gwen


Okay, with my husband and daughter reading it. They see it as as "life in a fish tank", but it has strange tones of "evil" that the plants are creating? They also don't feel it makes much sense. Is there good in this? Is that correct that the plants are causing the problem?


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:51 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2