A rare old collection of rubbish. :D
· If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you
· Everyone who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand
· Every time I make ends meet, someone moves the ends
· Zymocenosilicaphobia - fear of an empty beer glass
· I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
· When I die I want to go out peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car
· Drag queens are just guys who like to eat, drink, and be Mary
· Clones are people two
· They say that practice makes perfect. But nobody's perfect, so why practice?
· If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk
· Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
· Procrastinate now or later
· I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken
· Next time you wave, use all of your fingers
· If you light a man a fire, he'll be warm for the day. But if you set him on fire he'll be warm the rest of his life
· Trying is the first step towards failure
· Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
· There are only three types of people in the world - those who can count and those who can't
· I give 100% at work - 20% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday…
· What if there were no hypothetical questions?
· Computers are like air-conditioners - they stop working properly when you open Windows
· A life? Cool! Where can I download one of those?
· It's only funny until someone gets hurt, and then it's just hilarious
· A day without sunshine is like… night
· 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot
· 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
· Half of all people are below average
· Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
· The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
· Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
· Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
· For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism
· No one is listening… until you make a mistake
· The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
· Change is inevitable… except from vending machines
· I'm not really happy - it's just a chemical imbalance
· I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
· I plan to be spontaneous
· If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments
· How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
· If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
· I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
· Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
· When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't achieve
· Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets mad and comes after you, he has to run a mile with no shoes
· Never be afraid to try something new. Remember:
Amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic
· Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason
· An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world, a pessimist fears this is true
· There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year
· If marriage was outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws
· It's frustrating when you know all of the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions
· The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment
· If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change
· A man who respects the law, and enjoys sausages, should NEVER watch EITHER being made
· The problem with the world is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
· Sell a man a fish, and you get money for one meal. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a good business
See what did I tell you !!