It's Past Midnight - Page 2 - Tropical Fish Keeping - Aquarium fish care and resources
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post #11 of 36 Old 01-15-2013, 10:06 AM
I also get teased of for my passion of fish. I bet that their are a lot of people who feel the same way. In other words, we know how it feels

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post #12 of 36 Old 01-15-2013, 05:05 PM
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I don't talk about my feelings or my emotions. I can't its too hard. I can't get attached to thinks. To love ones or animals or sentimental things. Its too hard to let go of things when they are gone. As a kid growing up I wasnt hit or mistreated by my parents though I can remember them arguing alot. Then they got to the point where they just didn't or I didn't hear it. Well then my sister and her husband picked up where my parents left off. I was always around yelling and fighting. It never involved me. It still scared me. I swore I would NEVER again live somewhere there was constant fighting didn't/doesn't matter if I am involved or not. I just can't take it or handle it. I HATE hearing ppl fight over something soo pointless. I have always been different. I constantly get made fun of have for all my life for one thing or another. Its something you get use to hearing but never form a scare for. Ppl are just mean and thoughtless.

My first girlfriend is now my wife. I couldnt get the nerve to date till I was like 24. She is an awesome women but she gets frustrated with me cause I can't really express my emotions to her like I KNOW I should be. I am getting better at it but it hard for me.
I don't know why?? Maybe its from growing up with what I thought was soo much hate in the world. Maybe I am just messed up in the head and think differently then most. I don't know. I do know she is always there when I need her and she can understand some what. We have never once fought or even yelled at each other. I won't allow it in my house. A 'home" is no place for that in my book and never will be. A home is suppose to be a place for loving and caring for those you share it with. I am sorry you are having to do with this! Just know there are ppl out there that understand and who are willing to listen. I know my situation isn't exactly like yours but I will listen if you need to talk.
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post #13 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
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I love what this thread is turning into. It's full of hope, beauty, and kindred spirits and it makes me feel at peace.

A bit on me...
I am unashamed of my past. If everything wouldn't have happened the way it did, I wouldn't be who I am. Life is never about looking backward, but forward. But that doesn't mean that nightmares don't visit me almost every night.

I was always told that I was "a Sunday morning quicky." My mother tricked my father into getting her pregnant so he would marry her. She did and he did.

When I was born, she realized that babies are hard work and sluffed most of the responsibilities off on my paternal grandparents who mostly raised me until I was about 8 or 9 when my Pappaw got sick.

My mother was not very smart. She took me out of school at the end of the 6th grade so she could teach me, but she was the kind of person who could be "active" since 13 and give birth and still think that men had periods
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post #14 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 01:22 AM Thread Starter
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She was smart in one aspect: The fact that she never hit me. Starved me, locked me away, verbally abused me, poisened me, but never hit me. From about 11 to a few weeks after my 18th birthday, it was my life and I never told a soul. I wonder who she was under all those pills?

My dad got me out and he was and is a good man, but alcohol has gotten a hold of him and he has become someone else. He is so verbally abusive (lately he has been calling me "dog"). And he has become overly strict to the point that I feel like the house is choking me. Like...
1. Nothing can be touched by you or a boyfriend that can be covered up by a tank top and blue jeans until marriage
2. Must be in be with light out by 10pm (thank you cell phone!)
3. Curfew is 9pm (it was at dark)
4. Must complete daily chores
5. All purchases must be approved and stupid ones result in money or stuff being taken away
And so on. My friends have tried to get me to call the police, but I refuse to
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post #15 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 01:38 AM Thread Starter
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I don't know which one is the real him. The one that helps me and makes me potato soup when I'm sick or the one that calls me every name under the Sun and threatens to throw Cami out in the front yard. And I cry.

My best friend is another confusing mess. I fell for him the moment I met him. We were friend for a year before out first kiss. It was my 1st kiss ever and I was 23. We were together and happy, but then I got sick and he broke up with me. We stayed friends and later, we fell back in love. He was there when I was very ill. But then life happened (sickness, bills, work, family...) and we broke up again. We still talked and he started coming over to see me and my dad. Then, he kissed me on New Years Eve and I'm back to confused! He is the 1st person since my mammaw that makes me feel safe though. I wish he could come over to my house still because he had a way of calming my dad, but dad banned him from ever setting foot on his land.
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post #16 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 01:56 AM Thread Starter
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Btw, I had to google Broomating! Still don't know how it's going

I am the mushy type too. I get called corny a lot. I have always felt like you never know if this time will be the last time you see someone, so you should always make sure they know that you love them, even if you're fighting with them.

Every day is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
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post #17 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 03:14 AM
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Hey agin Blue ,
Its another one of those nights here for me in my little glass house .. I read and agin kinda understood your questions your asking yourself and I can offer advise to the ones I do understand and have lived through . As for the ones that deal with those you add to your life and haert I can only offer opinions as they are always changing with time and places . As for your dad I can sympathize .. the man that cares for you when your sick is the man you call dad its him , the man that yells at you when hes drunk is your dad its just the him that he doesnt like and can no longer stand . I would like to tell you that it will stop that its all goin to be okay but I wont because I cant .
He drinks because he has failed himself in such ways that he cant handle the reality of it any longer . He feels he failed you and amongst all of this he makes it worst by goin numb and losing control lost in a world of blissfull nothingness where nothing matters to him inside his glass bottle like we are inside our glass houses deperatly trying to find our places in this world where we havent fell flat where we are safe from the pain where we are wanted and needed where we are enough just being ourselves and not who we think we need to be for someone else .
He will see this one day I cant say when or even if it will happen in this life or the next darlin and for that I am sory but I do know it will happen one day . It comes for alot of people to late at a time when there time is over and theirs nothing left no one to say Im sory to or anything to say Im sory for , when all thats left is what they have ...nothing..
You cant be that person blue , I found myself becomeing that person alone so very alone inside that I couldnt see outside my own misery . I blamed myself for the way my parents were for the way my life had become . All the while not realizing that I could change it that I had to change it . Untill the one day that I met my wife , and for the first time in my life I felt it that warmness the unexplainable desire just to be . To be alive so that I could be near to her to be better so that I could be more for her to be myself so that I could love her . I was so far gone that I didnt even know what love was as I had never felt its embrace wash over me , I questioned it to death that feeling I had when near her the unsteady trmble when we touched the butterflies when we spoke . I was worried , worried I wouldnt be enough wasnt good enough for her I was so use to being told or treated inferior that I believed myself to be such ...As I said though love can and will remove these feelings of nothingness of uselessness from you because love will fill you to the point that theres simply no room for anything else but love . I know now what love is ..true honest to God love ... love is that feeling of air filling your lungs that fullness when you eat that warmth when you touch . Love will never leave you when times become hard love will hold you up and support you , love will cook you soup when your sick and sit by your side will hold you and tell you that its all gonna be alright because in the end it will be because your loved..
You said you had a friend that goes and comes that youve fell in and out of isnt conveniant love isnt a place or a thing to be visited or dismissed when times are tough . Love is love ..its a togetherness a wholeness you reach with someone that cant leave that cant go away ...when love does find you blue it will be like nothing youv ever imagined darlin no words can describe it but I can say this cant find love dont look for it you will only find made versions that will crumble over time ...genuine true honest to god love can only find us and it usually has a way of doing it in and when we least expect it to , in the oddest of times and places..its just all of a sudden their and never leaves ...
I'm gonna get out of here now and let some other someone pour out their thoughts on this night , an hopefully find myself in blissfull dreams of days to come new memmories to make a new day to live and try to make better than the one we just had .
God bless Blue my friend and to the rest of y'all out their reading our mid-night notes on life and its turns and twists I hope you all the best in finding your safe place your belonging your glass houses , good night
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Just because your fish are alive dont mean they are
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post #18 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 04:12 AM
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Is this fish therapy?

Guess so.

I'm 28, and try to be funny, but really.. Where to start? My ex wife (that cheated on me with my best friend after they drugged me)? Or focus on the positive (haven't abused drugs in 5 years)?
Current relationship? Pffft. I'm not fooling myself- Broken people attract broken people.

Maybe the fact that I become emotionally attached too fast? Or that I can't feel or show happiness or excitement regardless? Maybe I trick myself into thinking I feel love because I'm desperate? I am a hopeless romantic when I'm with someone I love, but it never lasts. Last time I was with someone and I never thought about "the one that got away" and instead was genuinely happy? 4 years. She's engaged now.

Or that I'm unemployed, and have been for 2 years now, and have to sell plasma to buy aquarium supplies when something breaks. My fish like my homemade fish food, luckily they dont care that I make my own food because food stamps buy the ingredients..

Everyone I know tells me "they're just fish", and my "gf" is the worst. Is it an escape, or is it so at least something in my house can have a good life? I genuinely like fish, and am somewhat infatuated. Do they know they're in a bubble? When I get the chance, I go visit lakes and such to collect wood and rocks, but just being outside away from the city helps. Honestly, Ill take whatever escapes I can get. Reading, writing, horror movies, even roleplaying games help get me into an imagined world.

Half my crap is against the rules for me to talk about I think. Drug use? Jail (unrelated to drugs)? My beliefs? My SH / SI / SIV scars? Nope.

Not sure why I'm the way I am. At least I had one parent that cared about me. My dad showed up to visit a couple times, and sometimes I'd get presents for birthdays and such. Of course, when I got older, I found out my mom bought them. We are kind of close, even if I don't feel any powerful emotion. How much can you trust someone when mental illness keeps them from being able to trust their own mind?

Meh, I'd type more if I had a keyboard, but I'm on my phone.
Sigh. I've had people ask me why I don't talk about personal things on here. Now you know, and its hard for me to think this won't change peoples opinion of me.

I'll probably delete it tomorrow.
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post #19 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 07:40 AM
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afternoon...sometimes i still can't get my head round the fact that
some of you guys are in bed.....heyho.

we are all joined in so many ways you know,happy times,even the sad times.
my dad was a drinker,he left us when i was around 4-5yrs,i don't have memories
of him like i used to think i should,it'd had taken me many years to come
to terms with the fact it just wasn't ment to be.
sometime ago(many moons actually) i went to stay with him,and we went out
to the pub/bar and he kinda showed me off to his friends,and i was so uncomfortable,
and dare he suddenly be super fantastic,.....where had he been all my life
(i was 17)...i'm now 46yrs .so many mixed emotions....i lost contact/we never bothered to be honest
and although i knew where he was,i made to effort to see him,well he passed away
two years ago this novemer 5th.....the turmoil i found myself was awful,i went to the place he was living(sheltered accommodation ) to do the right thing,and take care of
buisness,i took my older brother with me,the other two siblings didn't want to know,
and talking to the warden..she knew nothing of us at all,she was shocked to see he had children,and no mistaking my brother and father in looks.
we were told everything was in hand with his best friend,who basically said we wern't needed/wanted,so we backed away into the sunset.
i did speak to someone later,and i asked if there were any pictures,as they would probably be thrown away if i could have them,i wanted nothing else,and they were
of no use to anyone else,incase they thought i was a gold digger lol
well i got some surprising pictures in a bag,the grandchildren ,my mother and fathers Wedding day (i nearly fell on the floor with that one !) and one of me and him in the feild walking the dog.
were we tucked away in a box because memories were to painful for him...
in this life time i don't think i will ever know....

it's good to talk here i think...i think it helps more than we realise.
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sponge or two behind some decor,that way you have
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post #20 of 36 Old 01-16-2013, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Red, I have to say that I admire your creativeness! Using foodstamps to make homemade fishfood. Genius! And no I don't think differently of you save for the fact that you feel more real now and less like just another poster.

Willow, I think you're right. There's just something about laying it all out in the open that feels good. It feels right ya know? I'm not ashamed of my past and I don't care who knows. It's my present that has me confused and saddened. Alse, I enjoyed your story about your dad and the photos

Charlie, it's not that we ever fell out of love. It's that fear and worries over road it all. We were both abused, so we both have problems.
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